Eloise (& Brad) online

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp
‘What happened to you?’ asks Sean, the bartender.
‘Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,’ says Paddy.
‘That little shit, O’Conner,’ says Sean,
‘He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.’
‘That he did,’ says Paddy, ‘a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.’
‘Well,’ says Sean, ‘you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?’ Continue Reading »

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A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?’….. The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
‘That would suit me just fine!!’
Continue Reading »

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I thought some of this was quite appropriate after the weekend

1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed
2. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the music
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge
4. You take naps
5. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”

Continue Reading »

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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Continue Reading »

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: ‘I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,’
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

‘Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.’
–Mariah Carey

‘Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.’
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.’
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

‘Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.’
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

‘That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.’
–A congressional candidate in Texas

‘Half this game is ninety percent mental.’
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust?’ Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it!

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’
Continue Reading »

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