Deeply profound thoughts by two men:
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Rod continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob.. [...]
I was at the checkout of a Tesco store. The cashier rang up a £46.64 charge ….. I gave her a fifty pound note. She gave me back £46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became indignant and informed me [...]
TRUE STORY:
Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn’t turn up for work…
“Ho hum”, said Bristol [...]
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus is watching you.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.. Just [...]
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand [...]
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife [...]
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What’s going on?’
‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jacquie Smith.
They’re asking for a £10 million ransom.
Otherwise they’re going to douse them with [...]
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another [...]
1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
4. I [...]
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, ‘A Hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ [...]
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp
‘What happened to you?’ asks Sean, the bartender.
‘Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,’ says Paddy.
‘That little shit, O’Conner,’ [...]
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and [...]
I thought some of this was quite appropriate after the weekend
6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed
You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the music
You keep more food than beer in the fridge
You take naps
“I just can’t drink the way I [...]
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, [...]
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: ‘I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,’
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest [...]
What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust?’ Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for [...]
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning [...]
Thanks to Keith for this one.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls [...]
Think you are having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the [...]
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she [...]
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone..
Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish [...]
“Hey Koala ! what are you doing?”
The koala says:
“Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the [...]