Eloise (& Brad) online

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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’ Continue Reading »

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DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What’s going on?’
‘Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jacquie Smith.
They’re asking for a £10 million ransom.
Otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.’
The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving, on average?’ Continue Reading »

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?

“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.

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1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: “No, the steaks are too high.”
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…… and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Continue Reading »

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I didn’t get any decent jokes in my inbox last week, so no joke this week.

If you got any good jokes last week (that are clean!) please either post one in the comments below, or use the contact us page above.

Thanks

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