Eloise (& Brad) online

“You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

“I’ll get this one, next round is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be £4.50 each.)

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

“What do you have on tap?”
(What’s cheap?)

“I’ll have a glass of house white.” (Female)
(I’m easy.) Continue Reading »

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

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There is no Monday joke today, as I haven’t had jokes in my Inbox this week, and due to a very busy weekend I haven’t had time to trawl through my older emails to find a decent one.

If you would like to add one of your own, please use the comments box below.

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The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials…

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?  (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes. Continue Reading »

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