Eloise (& Brad) online

The 23rd April is St George’s Day in case you didn’t know.

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EASY HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: 1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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This joke is credited to Rachel as I didn’t have any good ones this week.

A guy is driving along, his fuel gauge is on the red. He is hoping that he can make it to the next petrol station. Suddenly the car stops. He has run out of petrol. He is on a country lane, no one in sight. Then suddenly a bee appears.
“What’s the matter with your car” the bee asks.
“Its run out of petrol” says the guy
The bee thinks for a while then says “Take your fuel cap off, I will be back in a minute”
So the guy takes the fuel cap off. He then hears a really loud buzzing noise. He looks around and there is a swarm of bees heading his way, so he jumps in the car. The swarm of bees all disappear into to the fuel tank. Puzzled the guy gets out to take a look. As he gets out the bees all leave.
The bee says to him “try you car now”, so the guy does and his car starts beautifully.
“What did you do?” says the guy

Wait for it…. Continue Reading »

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At the beginning of the year I tried to get rid of a sofa that we have had sat in our conservatory for nearly 3 years.  I posted it on Freecycle. Initially there quite a few people interested, but after exchanging emails with dimensions and photos interest dwindled.  I didn’t try again as we were off on holiday.

Anyway I posted it again at the weekend, but this time with a photo and success someone was interested.  They came round last night to see it and within the hour it was gone. Hurray, now I just have to find someone to take the underlay that I found behind the sofa after it was moved and my old hifi .

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As with all good bank holiday weekends we indulged in a bit of DIY, but we did manage to avoid any trips to B&Q (thank god!).  The results of the weekend are new lights in the kitchen (I can see now!) and a neater front garden.  I also managed to find the study under all the junk.

We didn’t just do DIY, we also wore the dog out by taking her geocaching on Saturday.  We really wanted to do a 5 part cache up at Ashton Court, but we knew with the good weather that there would be too many muggles around.  We headed north instead to the Cotswold way.  There were 3 available caches in the aera.  We found the first one quite easily despite the tree cover.  We dropped off a Travel bug and picked up a geocoin, our first one.  We then headed off for a second one.  Despite looking for a good 20 minutes we didn’t mange to find it.  The clue indicated that it was quite a bit off the path, but we couldn’t get a decent GPS signal under the trees.  We had to give up.  We decided to give the third one a miss as Bea had had enough.

We spent the rest of our weekend, seeing Friends & Family, eating chocolates and relaxing.

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Seeing as it is the 6th April today I thought this was appropriate.

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,

“I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

“What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

Continue Reading »

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